We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
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Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow