We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
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I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.