we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me: