we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!