We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
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INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
his wife is probably gonna see that
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats