We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
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Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
*frowns in Scottish*
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?