“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
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I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
What kind of a cult is this?
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.