Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

My inexpensive home security system…

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁