Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.