“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
🔦🌙👣
