“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
You are what you delete.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.