Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.