Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you