Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.