Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Classic German Shepherd 😂
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Me too 😆
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u