Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch