Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again