Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.