Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???