Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Thaw me like one of your french fries

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no