[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
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Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!