[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
You Might Also Like
You saw nothing. I am ham.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Meme Monday.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
“That’s what” – She
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…