“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
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You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no