@serendipitydon1

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

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@fro_vo

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

@InternetHippo

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

@joeljeffrey

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

@LosLos__

Teach your kids cursive and they won’t get copied from in school.

@SortaBad

To impress a woman in the workplace, ignore her body and compliment her IDEAS. Example: Sharon it was a great idea to wear that tight skirt

@sarahgkirby

why don’t grocery stores participate in black friday?? i don’t need 20% off a flatscreen – give me half price tide pods and $1 coffee creamers and then you better believe i’ll be at the doors at 3am

@MomofTeen

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

@Playing_Dad

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

@offbeatoliv

It’s such bullshit that there’s no zombie apocalypse. I totally want to hit my neighbor over the head with a shovel.