“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
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Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname