Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
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I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Breaking news:
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
No, I don’t think I will.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
