Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
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Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
