Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
You Might Also Like
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
dead inside
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Lmaoo 😂
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.