Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song