Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good