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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.