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“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti