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*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Aaaa…CHOO!
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Mapping America’s Far Right
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people