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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do