What?!?
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“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
im all 3
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I got bills
They’re multiplying
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity