What.
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Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it