What.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Always…
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
This is a whole mood;
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.