What.
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If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I am patiently waiting for your email
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
thinking about this
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again