Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

@funTweeters

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.