What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
You Might Also Like
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
When I face a minor setback
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
i feel so bad i refunded him
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.