“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
You Might Also Like
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
😂😂😂
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
That’s what I call a flat tire
