What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Happy Thanksgiving
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
every olympics i turn into this guy
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
