What a chick magnet..
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Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.