What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
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My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.