What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
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Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no