Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

This made me smile…

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

Good morning

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Beware of the “party goblin”…

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.