What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
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Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*