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My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
three things we don’t talk about
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.