*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*
What a light weight. My roomba is completely tanked after 1 margarita
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn’t a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I’m in jail.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers