@gtcolliins

What a light weight. My roomba is completely tanked after 1 margarita

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@_Mo_lee_

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

@TheMichaelRock

Her: ID please

Me: for?

Her: alcohol

Me: my beard is almost white

Her: still need it

Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station

@SCbchbum

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

@Tmoney68

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

@avxlanche

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

@Idiotstopnow

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

@Ivsy01

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

@Tmoney68

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.