“Man, what’s eating you today?
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
What a light weight. My roomba is completely tanked after 1 margarita
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Her: ID please
Me: my beard is almost white
Her: still need it
Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
this is so top tier i cant
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.