@gtcolliins

What a light weight. My roomba is completely tanked after 1 margarita

You Might Also Like

@lildandeli0n

*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*

@WilliamRodgers

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

@PinkCamoTO

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

@Izianikapani

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

@DaddyJew

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

@JayJazzi

A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn’t a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I’m in jail.

@_The_Man__

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

@AndyAsAdjective

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

@robfromonline

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers