your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.