What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.