What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
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WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
only 11 steps left
