What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
What if all the cashiers are married?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie