What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
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I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos