Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors