What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other