What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.