What a relief. Bring on the nukes
You Might Also Like
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork