What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
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I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise