Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

Room with a view.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic