Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”