Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

me refusing to leave twitter

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”