Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?