“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people