Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

August 8

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…