Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

He has no idea 🤡

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!