What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
why no one uses midhusbands
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”