Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

Just a bush.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.