I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
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Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]