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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.